And was at CSC tonight doing forbidden fantasies. I'm looking forward to seeing her again on Sunday.

The talk on Sunday is limited to people aged 32 and up. It specifically says so on the Center for Sex and Culture email. Just so folks don't go and get disappointed by not getting in.

She differentiated between protocols (a set of instructions) and etiquette (politeness) and suggested that a good way to keep a long term BDSM relationship hot was to to develop a set of protocols the define the relationship, based upon the things that made the couple get into BDSM in the first place. By negotiating, implementing and enforcing these rules for behavior within the relationship, the top gets rules to teach and enforce--"if the slave obeys, you can reward them with play, which is great; if the slave doesn't obey, you can punish them with play, which is great, too." The slave gets a clear understanding of what is expected, as well as constant reinforcement of the special nature of the relationship through correction for mistakes and praise for following the protocols well.

That's the Readers Digest version. She interspersed this with many funny stories and examples to bring it to life.

Here are some points that I remember.

If it is part of the protocol for the bottom to request permission, don't make requesting permission a matter of protocol for things that the top really can't deny. Extreme example, requesting permission to go to the restroom...can the top really say no and expect the bottom to comply?

Don't impose your personal protocol on others that are not in the relationship, or have not agreed to the protocol. For instance, don't require the bottom to address others with titles that others don't care to be addressed by. Don't expect others to comply with your protocol.

As was indicated in other posts...the protocol should be functional, otherwise it can get become exhausting to excercise. It should be written around the individual relationship. It should be agreed to by both parties, but Laura strongly suggested that the top write the protocol. She discouraged the adoption of protocol(s) written by others. She suggested that the protocol be a "living document" that can be amended as needed, and as the relationship develops and/or changes. It exists to enhance the SM relationship, and to function as a reminder regarding the personal nature of the relationship.

Laura suggested that the top pay attention to violation(s) of the protocol, and to correct or specifically point out any violation(s) of the protocol promptly and in an appropriate manner. Otherwise, the bottom may think the top isn't paying attention to the relationship.

A couple more points:
- Leave a way in the protocol for the sub to be able to correct the dom. An example she gave was of the sub getting on a motorcycle behind the dom, and the dom driving the two of them off into the desert... in the wrong direction, with the sub simply not allowed to tell the dom he was making a mistake. Her take on it is to say "keep me from looking like an idiot".
- The protocol really needs to be specific to you and your relationship. For example, who carries the money? Does the dom carry the money and ID of the sub when they are out, to hold all the power, or does the sub carry all the money and ID of both of them, producing them on demand, because the dom doesn't want to be bothered with carrying stuff?

She also suggested reading The Real Thing by William Carney for "leather protocol porn", should one be into that sort of thing.


The rest of my scribbled notes, uninterpreted:

Things not to forget when defining a protocol:
Speech: how address top, others, how refer to self. how to make requests. how to ask for mercy.
Posture: sitting, standing, positions.
Personal Behavior: asking permission for, "may i...". don't do this for things that are really needed (e.g. can't be denied). What do they wear? who handles the collar? who handles money when outside? what requires care (e.g. leather must be in the right place, but kitchen can be messy; basic _chores_ don't go here, just what is super important to the top).

Don't use "always". Be flexible. protocols help define a relationship. Protocols give structure to reward/punish with.